


Riverside

by little_werewolf



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Chronic Illness, Community: rs_games, M/M, R/S Games 2016, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-08-27 21:59:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8418661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/little_werewolf/pseuds/little_werewolf
Summary: R/S Games 2016 - Day 25 - Team TimeWhen Remus considers his time to be over, he meets Sirius, whose consideration of time is just somewhat different.





	

**Author's Note:**

> **Team:** Time  
>  **Title:** Riverside  
>  **Rating:** R  
>  **Warnings:** attempted suicide, chronic illness, talking about bodily harm  
>  **Genres:** Alternate Universe, Angst  
>  **Word Count:** 2400  
>  **Summary:** When Remus considers his time to be over, he meets Sirius, whose consideration of time is just somewhat different.  
>  **Notes:** Thank you to my awesome beta.  
>  **Prompt:** #69 - "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." - The Buddha

“What does this mean?” Remus asked nervously, his hands in fists on his lap, one of them shaking the tenser he could feel himself getting. 

“We will make some more appointments, and have further tests done to be completely certain, and then give you the specific medication to help you through the day,” the doctor replied calmly and Remus could hear all the alarm bells going off in his mind.

“So you mean you can’t fix this?” he asked hoarsely, swallowing and attempting to keep somewhat calm. 

“No, I am sorry Mr. Lupin, this is something we will have to work with for the rest of your life,” the doctor replied. Everything else that got discussed the next few minutes seemed to go by like a blur for Remus and he was relieved by the time he was finally able to leave the hospital. He started walking around aimlessly through the city until it had gotten dark, and he found himself standing on one of the bridges in London. 

He reached into his trouser pocket, pulling out the note from the doctor with his next appointments. His hands were shaking again as they brushed over the writing, and he cursed into the cold air as he folded it back together and pushed it back to where it had come from. Pressing his eyes tightly close, he tried to compose himself again, but the tears didn’t stop from coming, rolling slowly down his cheeks as the sob tried to break free from his chest. 

“Fuck it,” Remus mumbled under his breath. He walked over to the railing of the bridge, his hands reaching out to hold on to the upper bar. Taking in a deep breath, he attempting to put his foot on the first railing, gritting his teeth as he could feel his leg immediately threatening to give out. 

“Hey! You over there!”

Remus’s head snapped up as he could hear someone calling out for him, his foot immediately slipping off the railing again. He was looking straight at a black haired man, a little taller than himself, wearing a leather jacket and dark pair of trousers. 

“Leave me alone,” Remus retorted, turning his gaze back to the bridge as he once more attempting to climb on top of the railing.

“Come on mate,” the man retorted, and Remus turned his head to look at him with a glare. 

“I said leave me alone,” Remus said angrily, somehow managing to get two feet up on the railing now. He could feel his legs tremble and he wondered where he was going to find the strength, to climb up further and then over, so that he could let himself fall into the cold river. 

“Can you even get up there?” the man said after a while, and this time when Remus looked over at him, the man had moved to lean against the railing, crossing his arms lightly over his chest. 

“Yes. I can. Sod off,” Remus murmured, but his heart wasn’t really in it. 

“What’s your name?” 

“Remus.”

“Nice to meet you Remus, I am Sirius,” Sirius replied and Remus took in another deep breath as he tried to take a step further up to the next railing. 

“You don’t really want to do that,” Sirius said quietly.

“How do you know what I want and don’t want to do?” Remus asked bitterly. 

“Well, Remus, I may call you Remus right? Because right now it looks like you are going to slip, and instead of falling into the ice cold water, which when you’re really unlucky won’t kill you immediately and you’ll be in immense pain until your body succumbs to the injuries,” Sirius explained, sounding very calm, taking a break before he continued. “You’re going to fall backwards, hit your head against the street. You’re going to lie there, bleeding, with potential neurological damage. It’s going to hurt, and if you’re really unlucky, the next car that comes along will drive over you and break your bones. And that mister, is painful.”

“I can do this,” Remus said angrily, and he stared down at his fists, tears once more gathering in his eyes as his mind realised that he really wasn’t going to. 

“Why do you want to do this anyway?” Sirius asked quietly, and Remus could hear him shift, his whole body tensing up even further.

“Don’t come closer!”

“Okay, okay, easy there,” Sirius said, stopping his movement and holding his hands up to show that he meant no danger. 

“Soo…” 

Remus sighed, leaning forward to rest his forehead against the railing. “It’s just not worth it anymore,” he murmured quietly. 

“Life is always worth it,” Sirius replied softly.

“Not like this,” Remus murmured, and he tentatively let go of the railing with one hand. Holding his arm into the air, and showing Sirius his hand and arm. What Remus didn’t realise that this was going to make him loose his footing. He cried out as his knees gave out under him, and he could see the street coming closer below him.

Sirius acted immediately, and instead of falling on the street, Remus found himself in two strong arms. 

“I’ve got you,” Sirius said warmly, helping Remus to stand up properly on his feet again. 

Once Remus stood again, Sirius slowly let go of him and Remus took a small step backwards. He looked back at the railing and let his head sink in defeat. He realised that he wasn’t going to be able to do this, and he let his head hang in defeat and shame as he found himself crying again. 

“Look… I know you don’t know me, and you have no reason to trust me. But… my apartment is close by, we can get some food on the way, and I’ll just give you some company,” Sirius suggested, and Remus didn’t look up at first until he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

Remus just stared at Sirius for a while and then eventually nodded slowly. They walked quietly along the bridge, stopping at a nearby pizza stand. After a moment of discussion, he let Sirius buy him a salami pizza, and then let himself be lead to a nearby apartment house. The stairs up to apartment took a while to muster, and Remus was glad by the time they were upstairs, feeling tired and worn out. 

He didn’t resist when Sirius motioned him inside and towards what seemed the living room, eagerly sinking down on top of the couch with a relieved sigh. 

Slowly the world seemed to stop spinning, and Remus looked up as his pizza appeared on a plate in front of him. He reached out to take himself a piece, taking a large bite and eating it slowly. Pizza was easy to eat. Not being forced to use any cutlery, not having to worry that he wouldn’t be able to cut something or that food would fall off his fork. Eating with his hands, even if they were shaking was so much easier. 

Only when he was halfway done, Remus slowly turned his attention to his surroundings, smiling weakly as he saw that Sirius was watching him.

“Feeling better now?” Sirius asked gently. 

“Yeah… thanks,” Remus replied sincerely. 

Remus didn’t really know what to say. Sirius had basically saved his life, invited him in his home and had paid for his dinner, without even knowing him. Remus couldn’t remember the last time anyone had been ever this nice to him. 

“So what’s the diagnosis?” Sirius asked, his voice still gently and Remus actually felt clear enough that he could talk about it now. 

“Essential tremors…” he replied, cleaning his hands with a nearby napkin and folding his hands between his knees. 

“Was that the reason why you wanted to kill yourself?” Sirius continued, and Remus just nodded. There was no use in denying it. Even if the bridge might have been an impossible feat that Remus wouldn’t have been able to conquer, if Sirius hadn’t been there, Remus would have probably gone to look for some kind of other way. He just hadn’t been thinking straight. Now, his brain was slowly starting to clear, even if it didn’t look much more positive, he didn’t feel the big urge just to end it all either. 

“That sucks,” Sirius stated, and Remus let out a hoarse laugh.

“Yes it does,” Remus agreed, looking up with a weak smile. 

“Did they give you any kind of medication plan yet?” Sirius asked and Remus shook his head, feeling some weight suddenly lift from his shoulders. He hadn’t been able to talk to anyone about this, and now that he could to Sirius, felt like a burden was being lifted. 

“They want to do further testing, to rule out anything else,” Remus explained. 

“Well that’s good, it means that they are being thorough,” Sirius said with a warm smile. Remus nodded and then looked back down at his hands. 

“It’s going to be okay. Once they get you settled on the right medication you’ll be alright,” Sirius said softly after a while, and Remus snapped his head up, tears in his eyes.

“How can I live with this?” he asked hoarsely, and he wished he could scream out into the world how unfair all of this was. “Who says that I will be able to live with this in the future. What if I ever end up in some kind wheelchair… or bed bound, I don’t want anything like that!” 

Sirius moved to get up at those words, sitting down on the coffee table in front of Remus and reaching out to put his hands gently on Remus’s shoulders. 

“What worry about the future?” Sirius asked softly.

“But I have to…”

“You can’t control what happens in the future, but you can live in the now. Don’t let the fear of what may or may not happen control you,” Sirius continued, reaching up with one hand to gently caress some hair out of Remus’s face. 

“But I can’t live like this,” Remus whispered hoarsely, feeling like the world was breaking and he was letting it all become suddenly so real in front of his eyes. 

“Yes you can, you’ll see,” Sirius murmured, and then moved to get up again. Remus had hardly any time to react, as he was suddenly lifted up in the man’s arms and carried into the nearby bedroom. He didn’t resist as he was tucked under the covers and then when he closed his eyes already felt himself drift asleep. 

When Remus woke the next morning, he felt for a moment disorientated. He needed a few minutes before he remembered what had happened the night before and let out a shuddering sigh. 

Still feeling rather worn out, he slowly moved to entangle himself from the blankets surrounding him and walked out of the bedroom. Cautiously he followed the sound of voices in the kitchen, stopping in his tracks as he saw the man from last night with someone else. Remus tensed, taking a small step back and letting out a small gasp as he stumbled right into the doorway. 

“Remus!” Sirius said brightly, turning around and Remus felt himself flushing a little as he looked at the man.

“Hey,” Remus replied tentatively, standing up a little straighter. 

“Good to see you awake, come in. I’ll make you a tea,” Sirius said, motioning towards one of the kitchen chairs. Remus nodded slowly, and then stepped, his eyes still on the other man who seemed to be watching him closely behind the round glasses he was wearing. 

“Oh sorry, this is James,” Sirius finally introducing the man and Remus smiled tentatively over at him.

“Hey,” Remus said, holding his hand out, glad to see it not shaking at the moment. 

“Nice to meet you Remus,” James said with a warm smile, shaking Remus’s outstretched hand with a gentle squeeze. Remus then moved to sit down at the kitchen table, trying not to feel too cornered. He hadn’t really meant to stay the night, let alone for Sirius to be this welcoming this morning, and now there was his friend, he felt a little lost. 

“I asked James to come over this morning because I think he can help you,” Sirius said as he put a mug of tea in front of Remus and then sat down opposite him.

“Help me?” Remus asked hesitantly, reaching out for a nearby bottle of milk and pouring some into his mug. 

“I am a neurologist, I specialise in your field,” James replied with a reassuring smile. 

“And you think…”

“By the time I am done with you, you won’t even realise you’re ill Remus,” James said softly and Remus didn’t really know what to say to that. 

“I can’t… you didn’t have to, you don’t even know me,” Remus mumbled, stumbling over his words. 

“All I am asking, is to give this a try and not to kill yourself, okay?” Sirius asked softly and Remus just stared at him for a moment. Eventually he nodded slowly and then then took the mug of tea in both of his hands, taking a long soothing sip. 

True to his word, James had given Remus the earliest appointment possible and the two had talked everything over. Once the further test had been done as well, the man prescribed him the medication necessary and Remus could see his life slowly taking a better turn again. It wasn’t perfect, sometimes he found himself staring down the steps in fear or signing his name would make his hand cramp. But those days felt rare between the good ones he had. 

So he smiled this time, as he stood at the bridge a month later, standing side by side with Sirius.

“Thank you for saving my life again,” Remus murmured softly as he looked up at Sirius. 

“No…” Sirius replied with a small shake of his head. “No need to thank me,” he murmured, and then Remus leant up to kiss Sirius. Letting himself forget about time and responsibilities, and simply letting himself live in the now.


End file.
